我病了. 彷彿是給抑壓在底蘊的深沉的痛楚一下子爆發出來. 我只感到鼻塞, 虛弱和暈眩. 渾身乏力. 不停的在冒冷汗. 原本堅強瀟洒的外殼跡近崩潰. 於是你的身影不斷不斷的在侵佔着我的腦海. 然後覺得好痛好痛我的心像一點一點地溶掉了似的. 太多太多的時候我會想. 關於你口中那聲聲的愛我掛念我是真的嗎. 若果是真的愛真的想念為什麼竟然可以忍心放棄我. 讓我一個人蹲在角落裡傷心痛苦啕哭尖叫流淚.

然後我想起你曾經說過自己是一個自私的人. 所以你大概是, 如你所說, 不會愛上任何人的吧. 那麼為何你還要口口聲聲的說着愛我呢. 而為什麼我又會自信得以為自己可以改變你呢.

< 寫到這裡我的電話響起. 是你沒錯. 我裝出輕鬆的語氣甜美的聲調來掩蓋心中的悲慟. 我愉快的跟你說着生活上的瑣事並關心的向你問候. 熟悉而陌生得彷彿如久違了的老朋友的樣子. >

而又是自什麼時候開始. 我對着你總是會戴起面具來掩飾心中的難過與焦慮. 而不再像以往那般對你什麼都暢所欲言呢.

但我想是無論如何也回不了從前的吧. 即使我是多麼心酸多麼難過.

而我跟你. 只會如兩條曾經交錯的直線那樣. 分開得越來越遠直至歿入世界的各自兩個盡頭吧.

Why does it hurt so bad?
Why do I feel so sad?
Thought I was over you
But I keep crying
When I don't love you
So why does it hurt so bad
I thought I had let you go
So, why does it hurt me so
I gotta get you outta my head
It hurts so bad

My life's been better since the day I left you boy
I must admit life's been kind to me
I went and did the things I said I would do boy
I found someone who loves me for me
Haven't had much drama since the day that we split boy
My heart's never been more at ease
And when I think of all the things you put me thru
Leaving you has been the best thing for me

Never again that's what I said to myself
I never wanna feel your kinda pain again boy
Just when I think it's over
Just when I think it's thru
I find myself right back in love with you

- Why does it hurt so bad ‧ Witney Houston

而每一次. 為何每一次我流着淚說着這次是真真正正的完結的時候我卻一再回頭?

< Just when I think it's over
Just when I think it's thru
I find myself right back in love with you >

然後我說着. 我是真的愛你.

< 因為愛與不愛從來是無關於個人的抉擇而是命運的安排. >

所以我靜默. 希冀以冷漠麻木來承受一切生活給我的磨練.

< 而在我最軟弱最脆弱的一刻我還是想到你. 於是豆大的淚珠滑下我的面龐. 於是我記起甜蜜愉悅記起傷心失意記起所有所有跟你一起與你有關的片段. 於是我想起即使是跟你坐着談着笑着說着跟你做着這麼簡單的事我也會覺得心甜得脹鼓鼓的. 於是雖然我在流着眼淚的同時但我還是堅持要微笑. 因為你說過你最喜歡看的便是我的笑臉. >

而我並不感到迷茫或焦慮. 因為我知道日子自有擔當.